Date:	2009-11-22 21:41
Subject:	My Goals
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay

I want to lose 20 more pounds badly which will first make me a average size for my height, plus will make weight watchers free
I need to make going to weight watchers a habbit
I want to start hiking and exercising (which is good cause i have already been asked to go hiking with a work friend)
I want to start eating healthier
I want to start going out more out and about
I want to be better with money
I want to stop meeting shitty dudes
I want to feel happy with me
I want to go back to school.. which i think i want to go to school for social work, i work with sex offenders, mentally ill people all sorts of fucked up issues and even though at first it bothered me i have gotten to know them as people and its easier and i enjoy working with them.
I want to not be so shy and tell people how i feel.
I want to love myself more


The End

Date:	2009-07-19 16:08
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely

I am here in Oregon, it's beautiful i love it but I hate it at the same time. I hate feeling out of my element, I hate the fact that everyday i wake up all i wanna do is leave. I know this will go away i know its just me being homesick that makes me feel this way. I am doing all i can to stay busy and just do what i can to try to enjoy myself. I have found a coffee shop right up the street that at this time is my calming relaxing place, my happy place so to speak. Free wifi chill envioronment so just trying to hang in there. Today Shayla and I went to buffalo exchange and out for lunch and gelato. I got home and decided to go out to the coffee shop so here I am. I can't wait till this lonely feeling goes away and I can feel comfrontable and happy, which i know it will, evewryone here has been so amazingly accomodating and great, So i am trying not to be a downer, and for the most part I wake up get shit accomplished job hunt, fill out applications, take resumes places etc, which helps but I still feel so alone and i hate it. But i know I can do it, I know things will be okay, and in the end I will be so happy I did this just right now it doesn't feel that way at all. I just want a huge hug and someone to tell me I am okay and things will be okay. Cause right now it doesn't feel that way at all.

Date:	2009-06-05 17:11
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed

Today charlie was put to sleep, i woke up early to spend one last time with him in the dog park, while we were walking over there i had a glimpse of how i do believe and will always believe there is more to life then what meets the eye, more to death then i can even comprehend. Last night my mom was praying to my grandpa to look out for charlie when his life ended, well this morning when we were walking i saw someone who looks EXACTLY and i mean EXACTLY like my grandpa, just walking right by us, i dont know i see that as a sign that he is there to look out for Charlie and to take care of him. Today at work was miserable every two minutes i wanted to cry, it was really nice to talk to Taryn about this and have someone who has gone through this be there for me and to just listen, it was really amazing and probably the thing i appreciate the most. I just feel blank and out of it and numb i can't wait for the day the hurt is gone and i can feel okay again.
 

I LOVE YOU CHARLIE PARKER!

:(

Date:	2009-06-05 07:19
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	numb

Today is the day and everything hurts :(

Tomorrow Charlie gets put to sleep i can barely breathe i hurt so bad, i really just wanna crawl under a rock and dissapear for awhile, i feel horrible and can't stop crying..... bleah this sucks

My Parents let me know today that there dog charlie they have to have put down basically cause he has a seizure disorder and it causes him to attack people dogs anything. I am so freaking sad don't think i have ever become so attatched to a dog in my life. Even stating this makes me wanna cry :(

Date:	2009-04-15 19:17
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined

I decided it's time to quit smoking, i wanna be able to run and jump and be physically active without having to stop to breathe, i wanna live a long time, i wanna be able to wake up in the morning without hacking shit up, i want my ear infections to go away and my circulation to be better. I don't want to be physically addicted to anything!!!! and i no longer wanna support the tobbacco industry, first day and its totally hard, feeling physical withdrawls but on the same token i no longer wanna have to deal with this shit again. I need everyones support lets run and do active things, keep my mind off smoking. P.S straws and suckers are amazing :)

Date:	2009-03-01 17:10
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious

Move to oregon is four months away so close i can taste it.....

I am doing it in the process of finding a new job... yes indeed time for a change

Date:	2008-11-02 17:40
Subject:	You know.............. ME!!!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

I am Emily
I am 26 years old
I used to be fat and now i am an average weight
I used to do drugs and now i dont
I used to be vegan now i am vegetarian
I am a good friend
I am selfish i know and accept this about myself
I have had meaningless dumb sex and regretted it the next day
I Have drunken text message many times and very much regretted it the next day
I am Flawed but i am working on it
I do love who i am and learning how much this lady has to offer the world
I am extremely compassionate
I am empathetic
Sometimes i have trouble saying no to people
Sometimes i don't say what is on my mind due to fear of what people think
I write with my left hand
I dont drink enough water
I dont get out and do things with friends nearly as much as i like
Sometimes i text message to much
Sometimes i disapear off the face of the earth with no rhyme or reason
I am a gemini and very much fit my sign
I have been in love with two of my best friends before
I have let guys take advantage of me and been to trusting only to get hurt
I dont trust many people
I wish adults could act like adults and be real about shit
I wish people didn't say "Hey emily lets hang out" then ignore me the next day
I know i am better then what i recieve
I get jelous easy and like all attention on me whenever possible
I love talking to people and hearing what they think and what they have to say
I love acting silly and having fun
sometimes i drink to much and do dumb shit
I used to love all black men but i think i am losing that attraction to a degree
I need to be more active
i need to find a new book to read
I need to see you
YOu need to see me

P.S lets hang out people life is boring :)

Date:	2008-10-18 20:41
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable

in catching up from that last post things are fine i am fine everything is fine. I think conclusion is i have a problem i cant be happy with myself unless someone of the opposite sex is showing interst in me, i hate i am this way because it is a terrible way to live life and this i know but im trying to change and grow and trying to love who i am not matter if some guy likes me or not i cant do this i cant base my life around that anymore. I went a little crazy this year and got myself in some Holy shit i should be dead (little overeggareted) but im not im still breathing i still wake up every morning my heart is still pumping i am still alive and for once in a long time i am happy so incredibly happy to be alive and be living, And i guess thats my wrap up on my life right now or as much as a choose to write on a site where more then one person knows whats going on. :)

Date:	2008-10-02 16:55
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	scared

i seriously feel like i am dying inside so afraid im gonna recieve bad news soooo fucking scared

Date:	2008-09-06 23:40
Subject:	Just Some Shit Going On
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed

Havent really had time to write an actual message so i thought i would sit down things were going great i was goiing to school (Or still am) losing weight incredibly happy with my own company then i met this guy i wasn't really thinking anything of it figured oh ya we will talk a bit and then meet and that will be the end. Well he started worming his way into my emotions bit by bit saying shit about how cute and sexy i was, how he had given up hope on relationships until he met me, so we met it went great he told me how sexy he was kissed me in public cuddled with me everything. Well then he quit texting so i deleted his number not wanting to seem crazy but was incredibly sad, anyway he text messaged two days later saying how sorry he was a family emergency came up, and that i can sympathize with. We hang out again i break the absolute girl rule and sleep with him, well he stays over we cuddle and shit he holds me hugs me kisses me. Well this was last weekend then yet again no response from text messages so again delete the number then he text messages me again two days later saying he was sorry blah blah blah i forgive well now i think i am being blocked out of his phone, and i just cant handle another dude like this. I want to feel special for longer then a few hours i want someone who wants me as much as i want them. I know i deserve more i just hate it when i do dumb shit and give a shitty impression of myself. I just hope more then anything someday there is a guy out there that wants to know me wants to be with me and only me, wants to talk to me whenever not just on his time. I feel pretty broken apart over this and i hate it, i am hurting and i am able to come fourth and admit it, i am tired of pretending everything is fine, i am tired of feeling worthless cause i know that i am worthy of so much more then this. Just hard sometimes to remember that. So if anyone is out there reading this i would love some input some support and i dont want to be judged i know i made a mistake of sleeping with him so soon, but i need to hear that i am okay and everything is gonna be alright.......................

Date:	2008-09-05 16:59
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused

I hope someday i can find that delicate balance between

A. Not giving a shit about someone not wanting nothing to do with them

And

B. Liking them to much where they consume my day.

ya must sound crazy i know but i really need to learn this no time like the present right.....

Date:	2008-09-03 17:04
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed

So tired of letting people i think are genuine into my life and having them disapear before i even have time to enjoy them. Yes i have abandonment issues bad and this doesn't help........... i feel like crying every second but what good will it do just gotta keep moving along and faking it til i make it.


P.S good thing though i have lost 23 pounds since i joined weight watchers pretty stoked about that.

Date:	2008-08-24 16:48
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful

something good might be happening and i hope i really hope it does. So ready for some good people to enter my life.

Date:	2008-07-29 21:41
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah

I lost five more pounds this week and have lost a total of eleven pounds in three weeks go me!!!!

P.S- I feel horrible i hurt someone and acted shady and that is not me, i wish this person could find it in there heart to forgive me but i dont think he will. I really really hope so

P.P.S I move on thursday to my new and cute apartment with its own yard yay

Date:	2008-07-27 09:14
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely

can't shake this feeling of being lonely just wish sometimes i had someone to come over to help me get through the nights

Date:	2008-07-25 23:17
Subject:	life
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful

well in a week or so i will be moving and hopefully the place i am going to look at tomorrow will be my new place of residence i get a good feeling about it and i like the person who rents them out he is extremely honest with me and telling me like it is and i like that alot.

In other news i think everything is starting to catch up with me working, school, moving, looking for new places to live it will be nice when it is over and i can move on with my life, i am pretty much physically and emotionally drained and i dont know how much more i can take.

Well lets see here the boy i wrote about well have wrote about me and him worked together tonight and it was really nice actually we had an actual real conversation for once and it was nice. I will admit i will always really really be into him i cant lie about that but i think its better the way it happened i dont need confusing people in my life that confuse me i need real honest people and he can't provide that for me, but we did talk about shit that he did and how he made me feel i told him honestly how shitty it was what he did, i also told him that it was a good thing it was a text message conversation because if i was face to face with him i would have been put in prison for assault. I let him know no matter what i will never ever forgive him for what he did, i can move on and be his friend but it will never be exactly the same you know. But eh whatever what can you do nothing really but move on and move forward from here, i have been doing really good still on weight watchers its funny i seriously feeling like all the fucking time i am eating LOL but its different now i am eating good shit healthy shit my brain feels clear and i feel good, i mean come on know where left to go anymore then up!!!!

Date:	2008-07-15 19:41
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	ecstatic

 So guess who lost six pounds in a week on weight watchers


Um......... that would be me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!